New-Year-Resolutions-2016-01So today I made New Year’s resolutions. I know it’s trite and maybe they won’t wash past the third week but…

So one of my resolutions was to do more writing. I decided that in the Year of the Lord 2016, I’ll never go to bed without writing something. What was I even thinking? Did I even pause for a second to take an IQ test? Coz that’s one resolution that’s so dumb.  Even dumber than Donald Trump.

I mean, write every f*king day?  Who has time for that?

A new year’s resolution is a covenant you make with your own self. It’s sacred, at least for the first few weeks of the year. You kinda hope that it will last the entire year but then… whom are we kidding? No resolution ever lasted that long. A whole 365 days?

It’s like marriage. You love each other and vow to be faithful and committed for the rest of your lives. For the first few years you truly are faithful and committed, but then life just happens…

Imagine breaking your resolution on January first! The shame! If you break your resolution on the first day of the year, the law says you’re to commit suicide or something. Your body should then be thrown deep into the forest where it will be feasted upon by hyenas. People can’t bury you, lest your evil spirit of lack of self discipline comes back to haunt them.

The clock on my laptop reads 12:30am, January 2. However, I was really particular on the wording in my resolution, which said I won’t go bed without writing. So yeah, I’m still on the right track.

But seriously, do these resolution thingies ever work? There was a time I used to make resolutions and they actually came true! These were the years when I was jazzed up by that thing they called “The Secret.” I just used Law of Attraction and attracted the good stuff all year round!

But then I grew a pair and I guess I stopped believing in the magic of The Secret. That’s when I pushed resolutions to the back burner and survived on autopilot.

But looking at how 2015 turned out, autopilot really sucks. I’d rather write down a few goals and fail to achieve them than just whizz through life aimlessly.

resolutionAnd here I am, just after doing 100 push-ups and as many sit-ups, trying to fulfill New Year’s resolutions. So I sit down and write the most crappy article I’ve ever done just so as to tell myself I’m in the right track as far as my dreams for 2016 are concerned.

And as per those resolutions, I need to hit at least 500 words. I’m at 460, so the next 40 words are all going to be just gibberish just so I can fulfill the sacrosanct covenant I made to myself. Will I be doing this every day? Who I’m I fooling?

Hurray, my 500 words are up! I’ve reached my target for the day. See you tomorrow and every other day for the next 365 days. Have a fruitful 2016!

Lukorito Jones

Lukorito Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.

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