Last week, President Kenyatta delivered a severe kick in teeth to crooked public officials by ordering them to step aside for sixty days in a corruption purge that will see them pave way for investigations. While my old man lauds the move by Mr. Kenyatta, Grandpa strongly feels that the president’s dossier should be expanded from 175 names to a tome with several hundred thousand names. This expansion will ensure that all my comrades are included in the graft dossier, for they are equally guilty of perpetrating the scourge.
While politicians have been accused of looting cash and misusing public resources, my comrades are accused of looting public mores and misusing God-given rights and freedoms. Theirs is a corruption that stinks to high heavens; the corruption of morals, souls, minds and bodies. Just like the politicians, their lot too is bad news wrapped in an obituary and smothered with asininity.
Grandpa Richard would be shirking his responsibilities as a moral custodian if he didn’t act expeditiously to curb this moral corruption. It is in this vein that he has asked (nay, authorised) me, his spokesperson, to order all my comrades to step aside from Kenya’s social fabric for a period of sixty days.
My old man has further asked the general public to remain calm and avoid heebie-jeebies during the exercise as it is for the good of the general public and the future generations. “The next sixty days after university students have stepped aside will be heaven on earth for our country,” he said.
To begin with, Kenya will know peace as motorists will drive freely on major highways near universities without the fear of their windscreens being shattered by students demonstrating against their exclusion in major corruption scandals. Media houses will courageously air and publish investigative pieces without dreading that irate students might attack their premises.
Alcohol and drug abuse will plunge south. For lack of clients, marijuana dealers will go broke, break down in tears, repent and frog-march themselves to police stations from where they will curve an honest living. Beer makers on the other hand will focus their mechanisms into manufacturing wholesome drinks like ‘mursik’ after counting their losses.
Social media will reap big as it will return to being social once more. Wisecracks on the female anatomy and tribal vitriol will disappear making the internet safe for family consumption. Google Search Index will finally declare our country pornography free. Mark Zuckerberg, however, will be forced to announce the tragic shutdown of Instagram from the Kenyan market due to dwindling numbers of inane selfies posted on the network.
Marriages will resume stability over the next sixty days as campus divas hunting for rich married men will be no more. Neighbours will enjoy peaceful nights free from asinine loud music by comrades next door. Seniours will comfortably perambulate across parks in the evenings without the ire associated with seeing certified morons kissing and fondling in public.
By the power vested in me by Grandpa Richard, I take this opportunity to welcome you to utopia.
*Grandpa Richard’s prayers reach out to the families and victims who were affected in yesterday’s heinous siege at Garissa University College. God bless my comrades. God bless Kenya.