stdopgtevodmpanYou couldn’t have been more wrong if you thought that the chaps locked up in that asylum along Thika Road are Kenya’s mentally challenged. The real mentally profane are actually found in our institutions of higher learning; those at Mathari have simply been misread.

My old man, Grandpa Richard, is yet to pick his jaw from the floor after reading the newspapers on Tuesday morning. He was clammed up and had to do a double take upon reading a story about how my comrades have threatened to do bizarre things if Barrack Obama does not visit their campus. Calamitous, cataclysmic, and catastrophic are the alliterating words used to describe the consequences if POTUS fails to visit the institution.

Illustration: Joseph Ngari, Daily Nation

Illustration: Joseph Ngari, Daily Nation

In a letter signed by a flamboyant chap who has earned his stripes in student leadership and addressed to the US ambassador, at least 18 of my comrades have threatened to commit suicide if their university fails to host the Son of Kogalo. And that is not even the weird part. Hold on to your seats and put your heads in a swivel, for they’re about to spin. The letter further states that at least 31 female students have threatened to urinate on the tree which President Obama planted when he visited the country in 2006. Now that’s a humdinger!

As though that’s not enough asininity already, the lofty doyen of student leadership went ahead to threaten the most powerful man on earth that male university students will do worse. My head gets woozy just from imagining what could be worse than committing suicide and urinating on fauna. It’s a tragedy; I tell you.

Nobody gave a hoot when Grandpa Richard predicted that my comrades are slowly taking us back to the Stone Age. Now that the chickens are coming home to roost; we all wish we’d have listened. (Read: COMRADES SURELY TAKING US BACK TO THE STONE AGE)

Methinks such irrational behaviour is an aftermath of the recent purge on second-generation alcoholic drinks across the country. Thirsty and depraved of their illicit brew, my comrades have found it veritably hard to function normally. Doctors will tell you they’re suffering from withdrawal symptoms, and that such ignoble demeanour is anticipated.

babu15514“Your comrades are filled with too much primitive energy. The primitive energy needs to be neutered or else bad things will happen,” warns Grandpa Richard.

It is the primitive energy and withdrawal symptoms that saw a section of my comrades from the Rift Valley engage in gratuitous violence over upcoming student body elections which apparently had taken tribal lines, causing for their campus to be closed indefinitely. To think that the youth, whom we all tout as the future of our nation, can also debase to tribalism! It’s a sad state of affairs. But I digress.


Back to the Obama fandango, is it a pure coincidence that the US government issued a travel advisory against Kenya just hours after my comrades delivered the insidious missive to the US ambassador? I think not.

Lukorito Jones

When I'm not busy chasing around stories for my quasi-journalism career, you'll find me dabbling in fiction and perfecting my deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.

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