They say a critic is more effective if he also offers solutions, and last week Grandpa Richard and I did our part in arresting the downward spiral among my comrades by teaching them how to become employable.
It has however come to our attention that my comrades do not know how to comport themselves in any situation outside a raucous riot or a rambunctious rave. It is no wonder that the only things they seem to pass are pregnancy and paternity tests, never interviews. As a follow up to last week’s piece, we’ve decided to put together a few factoids that might help my comrades ace interviews with ease.
On the day of the interview, do not take your usual boiled cannabis for breakfast. It is best to avoid being zombied out on drugs. If at any point you’ll feel the urge to calm your nerves, take a deep breath; not a shot of vodka. I know telling my comrades to refrain from sniffing or imbibing something illegal is akin to drawing blood from a stone, but still I hope they could sober up just for this one day.
Dress decently. A T-shirt emblazoned “Return to the pub” has never earned anyone their dream job. Girls, only dimwitted job-seekers hold the belief that they can bamboozle the interviewing panel into hiring them by asininely showcasing acres of flesh through indecent garments.
And how about showing your potential employers how interested you are in the job by mistakenly showing up for the interview a week earlier? Sounds really genius, doesn’t it? If you’re thinking of following that advice, then you’re a drooling idiot! The real cooperate world does not work that way. Make sure you arrive on time though.
In all your interactions with the interviewing panel, let respect be your cynosure. Respect and being employable go hand in hand like Noah and pine-wood. Greetings like “Niaje watu nguyaz” are completely out of context here. A fist-bump is also highly frowned upon.
As a comrade I know you’re used to filling any moment of silence with asinine jibber-jabber, but here you’ll have to speak only when you’ve been spoken to. When asked a question, you’d rather stay mum than reply “You can find the answer to that on my Facebook page.” Other unacceptable answers include “Why do you want to know?”, “The past is the past”, and “Let’s move on.”
If the interviewer gives you a chance to ask some questions, do not ask the following: What’s in it for me? Give me a reason why I would want this job. Do you guys have a smoking zone? Also, do not ask the interviewer out for a date.
Feel free to thank me later after you clinch that job.