Category: COMRADES
Articles from my weekly column in Daily Nation’s ZuQka
COMRADES GETTING HIGH; ABUSING VIAGRA
COME ON, YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE FOR “LOVE”
RUN, DOREEN, RUN! SURVIVOR OF GARISSA MASSACRE IS LUCKY TO BE ALIVE

As narrated to: Lukorito Jones jowal@jowaljones.com www.jowaljones.com My name is Doreen Bruno Karugi. I am 22 years old. On Thursday, 2nd April 2015, gunmen stormed our university from 5am. Official reports at the end of the day indicated that 148 people had been killed. The attack, it was said, was…
WHY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ARE KILLING EACH OTHER
WANTED: A NEW BRAND OF STUDENT LEADERSHIP

Amidst the usual smut and common-place party videos that would make Kenya Film Classification Board Chairman, Ezekiel Mutua, throw up his lunch, a more disturbing clip was shared widely by my comrades early this week. The video was surreal, strange and made my head my head spin. It (allegedly) captures…
NOW HELB PLANS TO FINANCE STUDENTS WITH GAMBLING MONEY
WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD WORSE PARTIES THAN PROJECT X
COMRADES, YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO DIE FOR LOVE
DAMNING AFFIDAVIT IMPLICATES MY COMRADES

Two years ago, my old man, Grandpa Richard, suspected that something extremely fishy was going on with my comrades. Relying on his extensive experience in rodent-sniffing, the greybeard smelled a fat and overfed rat among my colleagues and approached me to assist him blow the whistle. “Why don’t you do…
BLOGGERS, BE AFRAID!

My old man, Grandpa Richard, is on the record urging my comrades to stop consuming blogs that trick them into believing they actually know things, when all they’re filled with are conflicting opinions, warped ideologies, and sleazy photos from the Masaku Sevens. (Read: JACKS OF ALL TRADES; MY COMRADES SPEAK TOO…
DON’T BLAME THE SYSTEM; YOU’RE PART OF IT
SORRY COMRADES, WE’RE ALL HALF-BAKED

My old man, Grandpa Richard, has always held the view that our higher education system is shambolic, topsy-turvy and—gets this—cursed with an evil eye. When he first made these claims, comrades flooded my mailbox and twitter timeline with all forms of contemptuous epithets, crying baloney and saying that his opinions…
IN LOVING MEMORY OF INTEGRITY
COMRADES, YOUR HASHTAGS ARE USELESS
MY DREAM FOR 2016
‘TIS THE SEASON FOR ASININE END-YEAR JAMBOREES {MERRY CHRISTMAS COMRADES}
CLIMATE CHANGE? BLAME THE HEAT ON MY COMRADES

After years of pillaging and plundering Mother Nature with reckless abandon, the heat has finally caught up with humankind—literally. Worried that we might be one match-stick strike away from burning into crisp, the entire world converged at Paris where our leaders held heated (pardon the pun) discussions to prevent the Earth…
BEHIND FACEBOOK LOVE LURK VICIOUS SEX PREDATORS
THIS IS WHAT MAGUFULI WOULD DO
BEHOLD, THE FEMALE COMRADE HAS COME OF AGE
HOLY POPE FRANCIS, THIS IS OUR CONFESSION
LIKE WAIGURU, IT’S NEVER OUR FAULT
MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO
MY DAY AT THE HIGH TABLE
BRACE YOURSELVES… EL-NINO IS FINALLY HERE!
A GUIDE TO BECOMING A STUDENT LEADER

Student leadership has gone rogue, according to my old man, Grandpa Richard. To him, the current leadership style portrayed by student leaders is simply a cancer that has metastasised from mainstream political leaders and needs to be excised urgently. “During my time, student leaders demonstrated visionary headship that inspired not…
BEST CAREERS FOR MODERN COLLEGE DROPOUTS
YOUR LIFE AS A ‘FRESHA’
IN MY COMRADES, I SEE NO ATHLETES
DATE RAPE: AVOIDING THE ‘MOLLIS’ TRAP
OBAMA: MY COMRADES’ MESSIAH
SHOW YOUR BEST FACES FOR OBAMA
OBAMA VISIT UNLOCKS COMRADES’ PRIMITIVE ENERGY
WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BOOZE!

We, the comrades from Kenya’s institutions of higher learning, stand united today in condemnation of the recent directive issued by the President against alcohol manufacturers and consumers. The directive, which has seen both legitimate and comrade-friendly illegitimate beer destroyed in the past few days, has plunged us into a state…
THE SHAME OF COMRADES IN SHABAAB’S PAYROLL

The previous week has seen my comrades’ moral fibre come under heavy scrutiny from a number of sources. Instead of opening books and spreading knowledge, my comrades of the fairer sex have run the gauntlet of social media for allegedly opening legs and spreading syphilis, once again. The campus diva…
OF MOB JUSTICE AND UNIVERSITY GANGS
BOOZE, TATTOOS AND NIGHT BUNDLES TOP IN COMRADES’ #BUDGET2015

The comrades’ budget for the next financial year was released last week at a rowdy gathering attended by raucous students from Kenya’s different institutions of higher learning. Read out by a slovenly student leader, the budget, which surpassed many people’s expectation by being over 140 characters long, detailed how comrades…
WHAT I WISH KENYAN STUDENTS KNEW ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY
ON A SUICIDE MISSION? PAUSE AND READ THIS
THE BLUEBAND GENERATION NEEDS TO TOUGHEN UP

A week ago, popular columnist Njoki Chege shook the blogosphere with a piece that claimed today’s cohort of young men has increasingly become spineless, lazy and ambitionless. She referred to the ill-fated generation as Blueband boys, which I assume was an inference to what they were fed for breakfast while…
HILARIOUS LIES MY COMRADES TELL TO GET LAID

Giving credit where it’s due, I must say my comrades are very creative fellows. However, they all seem to apply this creativity in asinine ways such as innovating habits of cheating in exams and inventing new methods of ingesting marijuana.(Read: They’re higher than Kites; these comrades of mine). Until last…
GRAFFITI IS NOT ART

My comrades usually invent the most ludicrous ways in which to “express themselves.” When they’re not being opprobrious to motorists by throwing stones across major highways, you will find them mutilating their skins with anchors and dragon tattoos which they will have the temerity to call art. “Back in the…
LISTEN TO SAUTI SOL AND SHUN ABORTION
FORGET OKOA KENYA; IT’S MY COMRADES THAT NEED SAVING

Last week, CORD launched the Okoa Kenya drive, an initiative that they promise will deliver the country from insecurity, devolution and corruption woos. While welcoming this latest gimmick in Kenya’s political circus, my old man, Grandpa Richard, is of the opinion that politicians are barking up the wrong tree. “If…
THE SHAME OF DATING COUGAR SUGAR MAMAS
#147NOTJUSTANUMBER : THE LAST WORD ON GARISSA
PERHAPS COMRADES SHOULD STEP ASIDE TOO
7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE COMRADES
IT’S TIME FOR COMRADES TO THINK OUTSIDE THE X-BOX

My old Man, Grandpa Richard, has been reading distressing news from his crystal ball once again. He has foreseen a future whereby comrades have been completely zombied out and their brains wasted. With a terrible visual acuity and disfigured thumbs from playing too many video games, these androids will roam…
HOUSE PARTIES OR FESTIVALS OF DEATH?
JACKS OF ALL TRADES; MY COMRADES SPEAK TOO MUCH
BEHOLD, COMRADES OF A DIGITAL ERROR

The digital era is finally here with us. In its wake however, the migration debacle has wrecked havoc within Kenya’s soul, as opposed to the legion benefits we’d anticipated. It has violated every sacred principle about the right to information that the likes of Dedan Kimathi died for. Watching the…
MY FILTHY COMRADES MAKE ME FURIOUS!
THE FOLLY OF VALENTINE’S DAY; WHY CUPID RHYMES WITH STUPID
RIP INTEGRITY; TWAS AN AWFUL MURDER
SELFIES, THE END OF MORDERN CIVILISATION
January blues? Not to my comrades

January, the month named after the Roman god, Janus, is already ravaging us like a tornado and volcano combined. Couple this financial maelstrom with the crippling teachers’ strike and the picture isn’t pretty. Curiously, this is the month all my comrades have been waiting for. While everyone else grits their…
Only a fool would insult the president
AN OLD MAN’S FEARS FOR 2015
‘TIS THE SEASON FOR ASININE END-YEAR JAMBOREES
School’s out so my comrades are on the loose

School’s out so my comrades are on the loose My comrades have just been paroled from the schooling system and like the proverbial chicken, they’re all jostling for tickets at “Machakos Airport”, heading to their respective villages to roost. With the festive season here, Grandpa Richard is dreading the unfolding…
Shh! Exams in progress!
Hilarity ensues as Grandpa decides to join Facebook
RISQUE RISKINESS: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE SENDING NUDE PICS ON WHATSAPP
GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TREATING A LADY
COMRADES SURELY TAKING US BACK TO STONE AGE
NOTE TO GULLIBLE PARENTS
They’re financially illiterate, these comrades of mine

The problem with my comrades is that they are financially illiterate. The concepts of working for their own money, saving and re-investing seem to be alien notions completely foreign to the comrades. Mix this witch’s brew with their economic warts such as gambling boisterously and spending in a slapdash fashion …
WHEN COMRADES GO ROGUE
ENSLAVED BY THEIR CELLPHONES?
PERHAPS RELIGION IS ALL WE NEED
OF A COMRADE WHO DISHED OUT HIV LIKE CONFETTI
SPARE US THESE PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION
MIND YOUR PEAS AND DIETARY CUES

Dear Comrades, Contrary to popular misconception, Grandpa Richard is actually a loving and caring man with a heart the size of a range-rover. He’s genuinely concerned about your health. When it comes to nutritional intelligence, grandpa thinks you comrades are just learning how to make fire. That’s why he has…
SLEEPING SICKNESS

Thousands of years to come, when historians will be chronicling events from the current epoch, they are sure to reserve copious pages for a peculiar batty creature that lived in Kenyan universities. They will discover that this feral organism, known simply as comrade, was always fraught with myriad problems. But…
RESPECT? WHAT’S THAT?
A COMRADES’ PLEBISCITE
DECIBELS OF INSANITY
COMRADES IN UNIFORM? NOT SUCH A BAD IDEA

A few weeks ago, a noble suggestion was mooted that university students be clothed in uniforms. In their usual fashion of opposing everything that has a lick of common sense, my comrades received the proposal with hue and cry. “The reprehensible nonsense that passes for dressing nowadays is a brazen…
A COMRADES’ GUIDE TO PASSING AN INTERVIEW
A COMRADES’ GUIDE TO BECOMING EMPLOYABLE
COMRADES PIERCINGS FREAK ME OUT!

There is a weird trend slowly gaining ground among campus reprobates that’s giving me the willies. It is a curious blend of self-destruction and asininity; an unexplainable macabre desire to mutilate one’s body by perforating every single orifice. Pray, why would one choose to add 18 extra holes onto their…
MY COMRADES AND THEIR POOR READING CULTURE!
BETTING ON FOOTBALL? HOW SILLY!
CAMPUS DIVA? OH, PLEASE!
OF COMRADES’ BIG BOOTIES AND BLEACHED SKINS
THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND ROMANCE, THESE COMRADES OF MINE

It seems that morals and common-sense are not the only things that have fled from my comrades. Cupid too has joined the bandwagon and deserted the youngsters, leaving behind a generation devoid of courtship values, romance and a squat of true love. Relationships among my comrades are like houses built…
COMRADES, ENOUGH OF THIS GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE!
OF SOCIAL MEDIA ATTENTION SEEKERS
COMRADES’ TATTOOS THAT MAKE ME SICK!
WHAT A LAZY LOT! THEY’RE UNAMBITIOUS AND DREAD WORK!
THEY’RE ASININE POLITICIANS, THESE COMRADES OF MINE

Whoever came up with the expression ‘Politics is a dirty game’ must have been an observer of campus elections. This is because my comrades’ p rimal nature never shines brighter than when they are electing their next bunch of leaders. During this period, comrades are ever volatile, highly charged, and…
It’s Hilarious Pornography, not Choreography

While attending an alumni function at a local university, my old man Grandpa Richard accidentally walked into the institution’s students’ centre and immediately froze on his tracks. What the pensioner saw shocked him to the core. My comrades were flailing around like retarded rabbits hopped up on rabies and hormones,…