WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD WORSE PARTIES THAN PROJECT X

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My old man, Grandpa Richard, is a prophet who rarely gets appreciated at home. While we should be composing songs in his honour and naming our children (both boys and girls) after him, we instead often choose to ignore the erudite greybeard and his sagacious advice. For exactly two years now, …

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SORRY COMRADES, WE’RE ALL HALF-BAKED

Illustration: Joe Ngari

My old man, Grandpa Richard, has always held the view that our higher education system is shambolic, topsy-turvy and—gets this—cursed with an evil eye. When he first made these claims, comrades flooded my mailbox and twitter timeline with all forms of contemptuous epithets, crying baloney and saying that his opinions …

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‘TIS THE SEASON FOR ASININE END-YEAR JAMBOREES {MERRY CHRISTMAS COMRADES}

Illustration: Joe Ngari, Daily Nation

Arise and shine comrades. My old man, Grandpa Richard, has asked me to wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of his humongous heart. He has also asked me to clarify to you that Christmas is a holiday whereby Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus. Not a day set …

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CLIMATE CHANGE? BLAME THE HEAT ON MY COMRADES

Illustration: Joe Ngari, Daily Nation

After years of pillaging and plundering Mother Nature with reckless abandon, the heat has finally caught up with humankind—literally. Worried that we might be one match-stick strike away from burning into crisp, the entire world converged at Paris where our leaders held heated (pardon the pun) discussions to prevent the Earth …

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BEHIND FACEBOOK LOVE LURK VICIOUS SEX PREDATORS

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My old man, Grandpa Richard, will never get to wrap his head around some of the things  Generation X do. We cannot fault him, though, for old dogs seldom learn new tricks. Take dating, for example. Grandpa still holds firm his belief that cupid deserted the youngsters ages ago, leaving …

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MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO

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After US President Barack Obama’s recent visit to Kenya, my old man, Grandpa Richard, was a jolly man. However, his hopes of leaving behind a better Kenya for his grandchildren have been dashed over the past few days. His moods have nosedived from the tower of optimism to the basement …

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OBAMA VISIT UNLOCKS COMRADES’ PRIMITIVE ENERGY

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You couldn’t have been more wrong if you thought that the chaps locked up in that asylum along Thika Road are Kenya’s mentally challenged. The real mentally profane are actually found in our institutions of higher learning; those at Mathari have simply been misread. My old man, Grandpa Richard, is …

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THE SHAME OF COMRADES IN SHABAAB’S PAYROLL

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The previous week has seen my comrades’ moral fibre come under heavy scrutiny from a number of sources.  Instead of opening books and spreading knowledge, my comrades of the fairer sex have run the gauntlet of social media for allegedly opening legs and spreading syphilis, once again. The campus diva …

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WHAT I WISH KENYAN STUDENTS KNEW ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY

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There’s nothing in the world that beats the feeling of having to share a meal with my old man, Grandpa Richard. I always look forward to such rare occasions as he recounts stories from the halcyon days when night-runners didn’t arm-twist the government to recognize them and Instagram was yet …

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THE BLUEBAND GENERATION NEEDS TO TOUGHEN UP

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A week ago, popular columnist Njoki Chege shook the blogosphere with a piece that claimed today’s cohort of young men has increasingly become spineless, lazy and ambitionless. She referred to the ill-fated generation as Blueband boys, which I assume was an inference to what they were fed for breakfast while …

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HILARIOUS LIES MY COMRADES TELL TO GET LAID

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Giving credit where it’s due, I must say my comrades are very creative fellows. However, they all seem to apply this creativity in asinine ways such as innovating habits of cheating in exams and inventing new methods of ingesting marijuana.(Read: They’re higher than Kites; these comrades of mine). Until last …

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GRAFFITI IS NOT ART

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My comrades usually invent the most ludicrous ways in which to “express themselves.” When they’re not being opprobrious to motorists by throwing stones across major highways, you will find them mutilating their skins with anchors and dragon tattoos which they will have the temerity to call art. “Back in the …

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FORGET OKOA KENYA; IT’S MY COMRADES THAT NEED SAVING

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Last week, CORD launched the Okoa Kenya drive, an initiative that they promise will deliver the country from insecurity, devolution and corruption woos. While welcoming this latest gimmick in Kenya’s political circus, my old man, Grandpa Richard, is of the opinion that politicians are barking up the wrong tree. “If …

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PERHAPS COMRADES SHOULD STEP ASIDE TOO

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Last week, President Kenyatta delivered a severe kick in teeth to crooked public officials by ordering them to step aside for sixty days in a corruption purge that will see them pave way for investigations. While my old man lauds the move by Mr. Kenyatta, Grandpa strongly feels that the …

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7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE COMRADES

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My old man, Grandpa Richard, has been heavily criticised by my comrades for allegedly being a sadist. In his defence, Grandpa Richard states that he has indeed scoured my comrades with a fine-toothed comb in an effort to find positivity, but the results yielded were nothing to write home about. …

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IT’S TIME FOR COMRADES TO THINK OUTSIDE THE X-BOX

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My old Man, Grandpa Richard, has been reading distressing news from his crystal ball once again. He has foreseen a future whereby comrades have been completely zombied out and their brains wasted. With a terrible visual acuity and disfigured thumbs from playing too many video games, these androids will roam …

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JACKS OF ALL TRADES; MY COMRADES SPEAK TOO MUCH

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The problem with my comrades, according to Grandpa Richard, is that they pretend to have an opinion of everything under the sun. They act as if they are masters in every discipline available, wherein they grossly misconstrue facts and they are darn wrong. It would be nice if they limited …

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THE FOLLY OF VALENTINE’S DAY; WHY CUPID RHYMES WITH STUPID

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Tomorrow the world comes to a standstill. It is a day that is bound to bring forth both disappointments and goodness in equal measure. On this day, smiles will be enhanced and migraines will be induced. Promises will be affirmed and many will be broken. Dreams will be relived and …

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School’s out so my comrades are on the loose

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School’s out so my comrades are on the loose My comrades have just been paroled from the schooling system and like the proverbial chicken, they’re all jostling for tickets at “Machakos Airport”, heading to their respective villages to roost. With the festive season here, Grandpa Richard is dreading the unfolding …

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They’re financially illiterate, these comrades of mine

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The problem with my comrades is that they are financially illiterate. The concepts of working for their own money, saving and re-investing seem to be alien notions completely foreign to the comrades. Mix this witch’s brew with their economic warts such as gambling boisterously and spending in a slapdash fashion  …

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THEY’RE ASININE POLITICIANS, THESE COMRADES OF MINE

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Whoever came up with the expression ‘Politics is a dirty game’ must have been an observer of campus elections. This is because my comrades’ p rimal nature never shines brighter than when they are electing their next bunch of leaders. During this period, comrades are ever volatile, highly charged, and …

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It’s Hilarious Pornography, not Choreography

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While attending an alumni function at a local university, my old man Grandpa Richard accidentally walked into the institution’s students’ centre and immediately froze on his tracks. What the pensioner saw shocked him to the core. My comrades were flailing around like retarded rabbits hopped up on rabies and hormones, …

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