WANTED: A NEW BRAND OF STUDENT LEADERSHIP

Amidst the usual smut and common-place party videos that would make Kenya Film Classification Board Chairman, Ezekiel Mutua, throw up his lunch, a more disturbing clip was shared widely by my comrades early this week. The video was surreal, strange and made my head my head spin. It (allegedly) captures a long-serving student leader physically…

NOW HELB PLANS TO FINANCE STUDENTS WITH GAMBLING MONEY

My old man, Grandpa Richard, has always questioned the viability of student loans disbursed by the government. While he is all up for helping my comrades pay for their tuition, he is concerned that a huge chunk of that money usually ends up in their pockets instead. “This facilitates them with free taxpayers’ cash to…

WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD WORSE PARTIES THAN PROJECT X

My old man, Grandpa Richard, is a prophet who rarely gets appreciated at home. While we should be composing songs in his honour and naming our children (both boys and girls) after him, we instead often choose to ignore the erudite greybeard and his sagacious advice. For exactly two years now, he has dispensed his overflowing…

SORRY COMRADES, WE’RE ALL HALF-BAKED

My old man, Grandpa Richard, has always held the view that our higher education system is shambolic, topsy-turvy and—gets this—cursed with an evil eye. When he first made these claims, comrades flooded my mailbox and twitter timeline with all forms of contemptuous epithets, crying baloney and saying that his opinions were nothing but sinister lies.…

‘TIS THE SEASON FOR ASININE END-YEAR JAMBOREES {MERRY CHRISTMAS COMRADES}

Arise and shine comrades. My old man, Grandpa Richard, has asked me to wish you a merry Christmas from the bottom of his humongous heart. He has also asked me to clarify to you that Christmas is a holiday whereby Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus. Not a day set aside for sleeping in, eating…

BEHIND FACEBOOK LOVE LURK VICIOUS SEX PREDATORS

My old man, Grandpa Richard, will never get to wrap his head around some of the things  Generation X do. We cannot fault him, though, for old dogs seldom learn new tricks. Take dating, for example. Grandpa still holds firm his belief that cupid deserted the youngsters ages ago, leaving behind a generation devoid of…

MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO

After US President Barack Obama’s recent visit to Kenya, my old man, Grandpa Richard, was a jolly man. However, his hopes of leaving behind a better Kenya for his grandchildren have been dashed over the past few days. His moods have nosedived from the tower of optimism to the basement of trepidation for the future…

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BOOZE!

We, the comrades from Kenya’s institutions of higher learning, stand united today in condemnation of the recent directive issued by the President against alcohol manufacturers and consumers. The directive, which has seen both legitimate and comrade-friendly illegitimate beer destroyed in the past few days, has plunged us into a state of deranged, grief-stricken despondency. Being…

THE SHAME OF COMRADES IN SHABAAB’S PAYROLL

The previous week has seen my comrades’ moral fibre come under heavy scrutiny from a number of sources.  Instead of opening books and spreading knowledge, my comrades of the fairer sex have run the gauntlet of social media for allegedly opening legs and spreading syphilis, once again. The campus diva narrative has experienced a plot…

WHAT I WISH KENYAN STUDENTS KNEW ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY

There’s nothing in the world that beats the feeling of having to share a meal with my old man, Grandpa Richard. I always look forward to such rare occasions as he recounts stories from the halcyon days when night-runners didn’t arm-twist the government to recognize them and Instagram was yet to be invented. This particular…

THE BLUEBAND GENERATION NEEDS TO TOUGHEN UP

A week ago, popular columnist Njoki Chege shook the blogosphere with a piece that claimed today’s cohort of young men has increasingly become spineless, lazy and ambitionless. She referred to the ill-fated generation as Blueband boys, which I assume was an inference to what they were fed for breakfast while growing up. My old man,…

HILARIOUS LIES MY COMRADES TELL TO GET LAID

Giving credit where it’s due, I must say my comrades are very creative fellows. However, they all seem to apply this creativity in asinine ways such as innovating habits of cheating in exams and inventing new methods of ingesting marijuana.(Read: They're higher than Kites; these comrades of mine). Until last week, I thought I had…

GRAFFITI IS NOT ART

My comrades usually invent the most ludicrous ways in which to “express themselves.” When they’re not being opprobrious to motorists by throwing stones across major highways, you will find them mutilating their skins with anchors and dragon tattoos which they will have the temerity to call art. “Back in the halcyon days, the youth used…

LISTEN TO SAUTI SOL AND SHUN ABORTION

Nerea. That’s the title of a song about an eponymous girl, Nerea, who is being urged by her partner not abort his baby. In the beautiful tune by music maestros Sauti Sol featuring Amos and Josh, the partner argues that perhaps the unborn child might end up changing the course of history like some of…

PERHAPS COMRADES SHOULD STEP ASIDE TOO

Last week, President Kenyatta delivered a severe kick in teeth to crooked public officials by ordering them to step aside for sixty days in a corruption purge that will see them pave way for investigations. While my old man lauds the move by Mr. Kenyatta, Grandpa strongly feels that the president’s dossier should be expanded…

7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE COMRADES

My old man, Grandpa Richard, has been heavily criticised by my comrades for allegedly being a sadist. In his defence, Grandpa Richard states that he has indeed scoured my comrades with a fine-toothed comb in an effort to find positivity, but the results yielded were nothing to write home about. He however holds steadfast that…

IT’S TIME FOR COMRADES TO THINK OUTSIDE THE X-BOX

My old Man, Grandpa Richard, has been reading distressing news from his crystal ball once again. He has foreseen a future whereby comrades have been completely zombied out and their brains wasted. With a terrible visual acuity and disfigured thumbs from playing too many video games, these androids will roam the streets stealing cars, shooting…

JACKS OF ALL TRADES; MY COMRADES SPEAK TOO MUCH

The problem with my comrades, according to Grandpa Richard, is that they pretend to have an opinion of everything under the sun. They act as if they are masters in every discipline available, wherein they grossly misconstrue facts and they are darn wrong. It would be nice if they limited the ostentatious flaunting of knowledge…

BEHOLD, COMRADES OF A DIGITAL ERROR

The digital era is finally here with us. In its wake however, the migration debacle has wrecked havoc within Kenya’s soul, as opposed to the legion benefits we’d anticipated. It has violated every sacred principle about the right to information that the likes of Dedan Kimathi died for. Watching the pantomime unfold, my old man,…

MY FILTHY COMRADES MAKE ME FURIOUS!

I recall sometime back when hokum was being peddled around that dirt is good. A sizeable section of my comrades swallowed the malarkey hook, line and sinker. Heck, they even digested the tripe such that it became their DNA to be slovenly and generally walk around looking like a sack of communal compost manure. It…

THEY’RE ASININE POLITICIANS, THESE COMRADES OF MINE

Whoever came up with the expression ‘Politics is a dirty game’ must have been an observer of campus elections. This is because my comrades’ p rimal nature never shines brighter than when they are electing their next bunch of leaders. During this period, comrades are ever volatile, highly charged, and prone to violent explosions. Before…

OF ASININE COMRADES AND THEIR CAMPAIGNS

The Mugendalets are at it again. This time, they’ve effectively crossed the threshold from being a reprehensible minute institution full of primitive energy to being an international (I blame this on Thika Road) institution still full of primitive energy. Their primal nature has never shone brighter than when students are getting ready to elect their…