OF TALL AFRICAN MEN AND BIG BOOTY


ImageIf the name Vera Sidika doesn’t ring a bell, then you probably are an alien from Pluto or some other obscure planet. I mean, how in the Kenyan showbiz have you not heard about this well endowed schoolmate of mine? Her booty is so big that it could win an Oscar all by itself! As such it has catapulted her to fame and landed her a lucrative career as a video vixen and a socialite. Here’s another factoid you probably didn’t know about Vera – Her hairstyle costs sh.450,000! Who said booty doesn’t pay?

But why do Africans adore women with big booty and deride those with infinitesimal behinds? Some people have suggested it’s just another example of Africa’s rank stupidity, but there’s more to this byzantine obsession than meets the eye. It’s all in our genes.

Ask any African girl her idea of the ideal man and I bet my house she will answer you with the cliché “tall, dark and handsome.” Ever asked yourself where this craze originated from? Turns out it’s all in our genes, it’s something evolutionary too!

Guys, have you ever noticed that every time you’re walking behind a lass, she’ll keep pulling down her top in an ineffectual attempt as though to cover her butt? Why do ladies keep doing this? Read on and you’ll discover the answers.

The other day during our weekly journalism club meeting, a member (let’s call him Mike) prompted a candid and scintillating discussion by posing the above questions. None of us seemed to have any clue, so Mike went ahead and lucidly explained the rationale beneath these peculiar mannerisms.

Let’s start with demystifying the booty. Walking down Cassandra Drive in KU, one cannot fail to notice the spectacle of guys craning their necks every time a lady with a corpulent bottom passes by. Our friend Mike traced the genesis of this seemingly asinine behavior to the Stone Age period, when all of mankind used to be hunters and gatherers. During that epoch, women with big behinds were considered the most fertile. As such, men would joust each other for a piece of such ladies.

Presently, any medical student will promptly dismiss the notion that a girl’s booty determines her fertility as a fallacy. But this frivolous obsession with the booty has remained inside our genes for eons; we just can’t shake it off.

And why do women keep pulling down their tops to cover their asses any time a guy is watching them? Though a girl might be clothed like an Eskimo in the middle of winter, she always feels naked when a dude is behind her. In the Stone Age era, it was a custom for women to always keep their fertility (read booty) covered. Portions of the trait have been passed to the present-day African woman, who exhibits the mannerism by pulling her top downwards every so often.

And where did this fad about tall, dark and handsome originate from? It also started during the same epoch of hunting and gathering. Brave hunters would spend most of their time outdoors chasing after rabbits, pythons, kangaroos, and whatever game they used to hunt those days. They would brave the fiery sun in the plains of Savanna in order to provide bread and butter (pardon the ambiguity) to their families. As such, the sun would turn their skin into the darkest of all shades. During those days, a skin as dark as anthracite denoted brave hunters.

What about the height? That’s simple. There is no way one can be short and at the same time become an excellent hunter (Inspekta Mwala is the only exception). Women, being gold diggers that they still are, were attracted to men who had the ability to put food on the table. Just as men admired ladies with big booty, women too flocked towards tall and dark men like moths to a light bulb. And that, my dear brethren, is how tall and dark became the perception of handsome.

 

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.