AN OLD MAN’S FEARS FOR 2015


When somebody bleached her skin and bought herself a new pair of mammary glands, my old man, Grandpa Richard, blew his top and has been in black moods ever since. His blood pressure exacerbated when comrades kidnapped infants, a fraudulent preacher used Chemistry to fleece his flock, comrades wore skinny-jeans and perverted men stripped pulchritudinous ladies. Clearly, a review of 2014 is an unsightly tableau that’s akin to gutting a pig.

With the new year barely 48 hours old, Grandpa Richard is already quaking in his boots with trepidation. I suspect one of my comrades might have introduced the greybeard to whatever they smoke over Christmas, because lately Grandpa has not been himself. He has been making horrid predictions about 2015, painting a doomsday scenario that would be right at home with Mayan prophecies.  Here are Grandpa’s fears:

A Facebook religion

Nowadays, spirituality is no longer expressed through beliefs and deeds. All you have to do to secure a room in God’s mansion is to type ‘Amen’ in the comment box and forward that Whatsapp message to ten contacts.

In 2015, houses of worship and holy books will be abandoned altogether in favour of social media. Even the commandments are likely to be revised, complete with smiley faces, misspelt words, and they will all end with ROTLMFAO.

Human garages

Vera Sidika, who bleached her skin and got new boobs.

Vera Sidika, who bleached her skin and got new boobs.

2015 will reveal an apocalyptic picture whereby Chinese hawkers will set up shop along Nairobi’s streets from where they will conduct speedy skin-bleaching services. Similar human garages will spring up across the country where ladies will pop in to acquire bigger breasts, mountainous derrieres and broader hips. All these will be available for only three easy payments of dignity, soul and intelligence.

And because intelligence is in woefully short supply, we may have to import brain supplements and medulla implants from China too.

An aggrandised lexicon

Over the years, Grandpa Richard has been extremely frustrated by the gatekeepers of the English language who keep adding extra pages to their blown up dictionaries with every subsequent edition. The past few years have seen an asinine trend by which words such as ‘selfie’, ‘twerking’, and ‘marijuana’ have been uncannily sneaked in.

If this goes on unbridled, daft words like ‘MILF’ and ‘nyenyenye’ might be consented. Grandpa suggest that they should as well consider freeing up some space in their tome by deleting words like ‘credible’, ‘meaningful’ and ‘scholarly’.

Overpopulation

A study done in Grandpa Richard’s mind predicts that if the current rate of procreation persists, millions of Kenyans will have to migrate to Jupiter by December this year in order to grant room to the incoming generations. In order to avert this, the retiree opines that this year, parents should beat their kids until they’re too sore to have sex—both the kids and their parents.

Habitual intoxication

Grandpa’s crystal ball evokes horror images of a highly inebriated nation. By August, beer will have successfully overtaken water as the most consumed beverage in Kenya. Coming in at number three will be boiled cannabis.

Is my old man right? Welcome to 2015, comrades.

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.