Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here’s my number,
So call me, maybe!
In A BLUNT KIND OF LOVE (PART 1), I narrated how cupid caught James Blunt and me in the chokehold. While researching for this post (yea, I do my homework), I picked up one more doozy I’d like to share with you.
A friend, let’s call her Valerie, narrated to me how she got so intoxicated with affection in an exam room that she found it hard to focus on the accounting questions a hand. She was sat next to this hot dude in a CPA examination hall, and she couldn’t help but keep staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights. “When I first set my eyes on him, I knew I would give everything to make him my better half,” Valerie recalls.
Valerie’s heart had never beaten as much as it tumultuously did that day. “It was threatening to come out of its place,” she explains. The exams take two days, and Valerie narrates nostalgically how courage failed her even on day two, and all she mustered to say was hi.
“After the exams were officially over and the boy walked away, I felt like the last nail had just been driven into my coffin. There is no use hoping, because I know I will never see him again. It hurts; I didn’t even get a chance to know his name. If I were given one wish, I’d like to go back in time and tell that dude that I love him,” Regrets Valerie.
I also have one more story. Do you want another story? No? Well, am gonna give it to you anyway. This anecdote was narrated to me by another friend, whom I’ll call Margaret. No, I’ll call her Cera; it’s sexier than Margaret. Please note am not using real names here for legal reasons. Any resemblance of names to any person real or imagined; alive or dead; is purely coincidental. Got me? No? You know what? I don’t care whether you get me or not, it won’t solve the teachers’ strike.
Cera was walking… No, let’s call her Honey. Honey was walking from school along one of the streets in Nairobi, when this dude ‘accidentally’ bumped into her and caused her to drop the stationery she was carrying. The guy apologized and went ahead to pick up the books she’d dropped. Unbeknown to him, Honey, who was now motionless like a deer in the headlights, was falling into love. Let’s call the dude Sissy, for reasons you’re gonna find out later.
“Here are your books, am sorry.”
“No problem, it’s fine.”
“I love you.”
Hey, stop! Wait a minute! Hold on just a little… Did Sissy just tell a stranger that he loved her? This doesn’t make sense *shakes head*. You just bump into a random girl and go ahead declaring your deep love for her from the highest point of your spirit? Girls, how would you react if an alien along Tom Mboya Avenue tells you he loves you? As you prepare to answer that, let’s find out how Honey replied.
“I love you too.” Said Honey.
Allaine, did I just hear “Nakupenda pia?” Wonders never cease.
The new couple, however, did not have time to savour their newfound romance. It dawned on them they were creating quite a scene, and they had to make way for other pedestrians. So, without another word, Honey and Sissy continued with their perambulation in opposite directions.
What’s the common denominator between James Blunt’s story, Valerie’s, Honey’s and mine? We all lacked courage to ask for contacts.
There’s not enough beer in the world to cause me to approach a total stranger the way Carly Rae Jepsen did, and ask for her number. It never goes well. Not even on Facebook. You might end up with a black eye. Even on Facebook. Like in that video for example, Carly Rae ends up with a lot of egg on her face when the six packed guy snobs him. He ignores her so hard that she even starts doubting her own existence. And then at the end, Carly Rae is flabbergasted to discover that the dude she’s been chasing all along is gay. Of course you won’t notice that, unless you watch the video keenly. Borrow your grandpa’s spects the next time that video comes on TV.
Another sad, but ironically humorous experience, is narrated by the American electronica band, Owl City. Now, I know I’ve tortured the idiom “deer in the headlights” more than enough, but please allow me to use it just this once. Okay? No? Guess what! As long as using this idiom will help end the teachers’ strike, I’ll go ahead and use it a hundred more times.
In their song titled “Deer in the Headlights”, Adam Young, the lead singer, tells of incidences in which he was struck by cupid at first sight.
Tell me again was it love at first sight
When I walked by and you caught my eye.
Didn’t you know love could shine this bright?
Well smile because you’re the deer in the headlights.
Adam Young goes ahead to narrate how one girl didn’t find his overtures amusing, and she let him know so. In a nasty way.
Met a girl in the parking lot,
And all I did was say hello.
Her pepper spray made it rather hard
For me to walk her home,
But I guess that’s the way it goes.
Yes Adam Young, I agree with you. That’s the way it goes. They always carry pepper spray in their LV hand bags to wade off people who are so shameless and asinine as to make an overture towards a random girl in the parking lot. That’s why I never do it. Let it be a lesson to all you guys. When you’ll lose your sight, don’t say I never warned you.
Teachers’ strike or not, there’s one person who never learns. And that’s Adam Young. Girls are his Achilles’ heal; he doesn’t care even if they decide to call the police on him. And he let’s us know in this verse:
It’s suffocating to say,
But the female mystique takes my breath way.
So give me a smile or give me a sneer,
‘Cause I’m trying to guess here.
The guy flagrantly attempts his act the next day, and this is the way it goes:
Met a girl with a graceful charm,
But when beauty met the beast she froze.
Got the sense I was not her type
By black eye and bloody nose,
But I guess that’s the way it goes.
Wah! Lesson learnt; never hit on a girl that looks anything like Nyeri. A black eye and a bloody nose? I swear William Ruto cried for this! I don’t know whether to sympathize with the rockstar or to laugh at him. I’ll go with the former, because every time I laugh someone goes deaf.
Imagine you get lucky, like that 0.01% germ, and your partner goes with the flow. Does that guarantee a happy ever after, a life filled with laughter and honey? My research says no, and Ipsos Synovate agrees with me.
Remember the story about Honey and Sissy? Did you love it? No? How does that help with the teachers’ strike?
Turns out their story did not end there. Fate had more plans for the two. A few weeks later, while imbibing poisons at a club in town, Honey spotted her love from Tom Mboya. They danced together, and the rest is history. But not the rosy kind of history. Honey had to dump the dude less than a month later.
Why now? She simply found out that he wasn’t Mr. Right. “I tell you Jones, this guy used to behave like a girl! It was like I was the dude in the relationship,” laments Honey.
Honey went ahead to explain how the dude went postal when his chick didn’t text him first. He expected Honey to take him out, call him, and even pay for his beer! Honey’s litany went further to explain how Sissy’s mannerisms, including clothing, all seemed sissy. Who knows? Maybe the metro sexual was already asking doctors to change him down there! “I got tired of wearing the pants in the relationship, and had to call it off.” stated Honey.
What’s your story? Share it please.