WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD WORSE PARTIES THAN PROJECT X


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Illustration: Joe Ngari, Daily Nation

My old man, Grandpa Richard, is a prophet who rarely gets appreciated at home. While we should be composing songs in his honour and naming our children (both boys and girls) after him, we instead often choose to ignore the erudite greybeard and his sagacious advice.

For exactly two years now, he has dispensed his overflowing wisdom from these pages every Friday, but most of it has fallen on deaf ears. It’s like casting pearls before swine – they’ll only trample them.

His warnings that young people are taking this country to hell in a handbasket have gone largely unheeded. Instead, people have sent me emails describing my old man in colourful terms such as “grinch”, “purist”, “a stickler for rules” and, my favourite – “a wet blanket”.

Politicians and citizens alike could not just wrap their heads  around why my old man is constantly vexed and furious about my comrades’ lack of morals. “One day, when it is too late, they will look back and see how right I was,” prophesied Grandpa Richard.

And truly, last week the prophecy came close to fulfilment. (Read: (HOUSE PARTIES OR FESTIVALS OF DEATH?)

SEETHING WITH ANGER

My comrades intended to hold one of their regular jamborees and had the temerity to make posters advertising it to the world. The decadent party, dubbed Project X after an equally degenerate movie, caused the entire nation to fly off the handle. Just like Grandpa Richard, everyone was beginning to seethe with anger.

0Appearing before the cameras, Kenya Films Classification Board CEO Ezekiel Mutua looked as livid as Senator Boni Khalwale’s prized bull at an Ikolomani bull-fighting extravaganza. His face was contorted with fury and his eyes sparkled with ferocity as he condemned the jamboree that contained the line, “nobody goes home a virgin.” (Read: HILARIOUS LIES MY COMRADES TELL TO GET LAID)

The anger, still red-hot at the time of going to press, spread throughout the country, even managing to shift our attention from the Jubilee and Cord politics in Malindi and Kericho.

“Chiqs, dudes and a whole lot of booze. Come experience the house party everyone is talking about. No rules, no regulations, carry your own high, whether it’s herbs, pills, everything is legal,” read the poster for the event. Revelations that the party had been sponsored by pornography rings made Kenyans even hotter under the collar. (Read: OF ASININE FORNICATION AND OVERPOPULATION)

However, all my comrades did was let out a bored sigh. To them, it was just another house party akin to the ones they attend every weekend. They couldn’t understand why the country was erupting in rage like a volcano when such soirées have become common-place among young adults. (Read: WHAT I WISH KENYAN STUDENTS KNEW ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY)

“If only someone had listened when I warned about these sex orgies where the youth wash down ecstasy pills with boiled marijuana!” lamented my old man. His wish is that the Project X harum-scarum will cause parents and the authorities to pull their heads out of the sand and become more vigilant.

Read: (It’s Hilarious Pornography, not Choreography)

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jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.