WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BOOZE!


Beer+ToastWe, the comrades from Kenya’s institutions of higher learning, stand united today in condemnation of the recent directive issued by the President against alcohol manufacturers and consumers.

The directive, which has seen both legitimate and comrade-friendly illegitimate beer destroyed in the past few days, has plunged us into a state of deranged, grief-stricken despondency.

Being the centre towards which all comrades gravitate, booze has become not only a unifying factor but also a sacrosanct and inviolable symbol of comradeship. As such, it should be respected by all. Any attempts to transgress and dishonour it, whether by the government or relics of the past like Grandpa Richard, will be met with utmost resistance. We will awaken from our drunken stupors, put aside our marijuana cigars, and fight for the right of our livers to be declared employees of the year.

We find the directive’s timing contemptuous and politically motivated, coming just two weeks after we allocated 50 per cent of our 2015/2016 budget to booze.

There is a deliberate effort by powerful elements in the government to divert the money to other fraudulent projects like entrepreneurship and procurement of text books. This disgusts us even more than the Deputy President is disgusted with gayism.

How does the government expect university students to function? Doesn’t it know that we have to imbibe an entire bottle of 99 per cent ethanol every morning to wash down last night’s miraa to “unlock” our bodies?

Imagine a world in whose universities beer flows faster than the River Tana. Imagine a world without Mututho and his in-laws. Perfect, isn’t it? Why is the government so set against such a world?

UNTOLD CALM AND SERENITY

We would like to warn the government concerning the aftermath of wiping out wretched brews from the market. Cheap liquor is what gives moxie to campus goons who are often hired to cause trouble during election campaigns and demonstrations against HELB. Eliminating it will only bring about untold calm and serenity.

kb1Without booze, comrades, especially those that are attractively challenged, will find it hard to engage in guilt-free and unprotected fornication. Neighbours will sleep in peace as house parties become extinct and comrades will no longer need to twerk all night until they lose cartilage.

We will not be able to pee on the neighbour’s dog as we sing circumcision songs when we return to our homes in the wee hours of the morning. We will be forced to grow up and become responsible; no longer young, wild and free. The pillars of comradeship — disrespect, fornication, and inebriation — will definitely crumble.

As a minority, the Kenyan comrade has suffered for long and now demands recognition. Our right to drink until the sky turns purple has been denied. We want it heard that the recent purge against alcoholic beverages offends comradeship morality, cultural mores and social values that are deeply ingrained in booze.

What a village drunkard can do while high on kumi kumi, we comrades can do better.

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.