THE SHAME OF DATING COUGAR SUGAR MAMAS


I sometimes wish my comrades would introduce me to what they smoke. At times I think to myself that I’ve chronicled all there is to write about my comrades’ asininity, but an even more flummoxing doozy always crops up only to leave  Grandpa Richard and I picking our jaws from the floor. Comrades keep excelling in all the wrong aspects of life for all the wrong reasons. It’s always a sad state of affairs.

A few days ago I received an angry rant from a lady who’d been trolling for archives on my website. In her badly misspelled missive, the comrade accused me of being a chauvinistic goat who revels in dressing down lasses while turning a blind eye to the atrocities committed by my bearded colleagues. To re-affirm her argument, she pointed out on an article I’d scribbled over a year ago wherein I accused “campus divas” for spreading legs and syphilis to married men. “Why haven’t you equally chastised campo boyz (sic) for sleeping around with cougars for money?” She lamented.

0.jpg.CROP.rtstory-largeAt first I was confused as to how my comrades could be having carnal relations with a feline that resides continents away. But at the same time, I didn’t want to ask the girl to clarify her allegations lest I appear analogue. So I decided to Google “Kenyan students having sex with cougars” and the results sent shivers down my spine.

I contacted the agonized lass for further clarification, and she confirmed that university students have been having relationships with ladies older than Kenya’s independence since Kenya’s independence. She narrated to me a few case studies and even pointed out entertainment joints and dating websites where this ignoble behavior thrives.

Approaching Grandpa Richard for advice on such an issue was completely out of question. What was I even to tell him? That women the age of Grandma Sarah were being hunted down by my comrades for sexual satisfaction and pecuniary benefits? Heck no!

Firebrands might argue that age is just a number, but personally I think only a man who is sick in the head will seek an affair with a woman old enough to be their mother. It is an affliction, yes, but one which my comrades will pay to suffer from.

A huge factor in any relationship is shared goals. This can be anything from getting a first class degree to building a firm foundation for your career after school. Pray, what common goals will you have with a partner who is in the same age-set with Methuselah?

Such travesties of relationships are doomed because they’re mutually exploitative. The lady is in it for sexual gratification while the comrade is only scheming how he’ll take her to the cleaners. It’s an affair oblivious of commonsense, decency and self-respect.

It is high time comrades of both genders got themselves a lick of self-respect and half a brain. If someone is your senior (or junior) by more than 20 years, sex should be completely off the table—or any other furniture.  And stop smoking that kind of weed.

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.