SPARE US THESE PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION


So this one time my old man, Grandpa Richard, decided to pay me an impromptu visit in campus. I decided to hang out with him at the shopping centre, a nice open place where hungry people like to eat.

I immediately regretted my decision when two comrades, a slovenly unkempt dude and his cheaply unattractive mate, walked in. With one hand holding the dude’s pants to prevent them from falling, his other hand was busy making manoeuvres over the girl’s hindquarters. They hobbled awkwardly to a nearby table under the patio umbrellas, looking at each other with eyes that suggested they wanted to start a family there and then. Then the most prurient form of asininity unfolded as the boy, who still had the previous week’s miraa stuck on his teeth, placed the lass on his lap and proceeded to perform a fully fledged lip-lock complete with groping.

Grandpa Richard whacked himself with his cane just to ascertain the phantasmagoria unfolding in front of him was not an evil dream.  I was also utterly flabbergasted, and I scratched my head hard not because I had lice but because I was trying to remember whether I had previously bought tickets to a porno movie. They hadn’t provided us with popcorn either, so this could not be a movie in Satan’s theatre.

“During my time, there was no such non-sense as public display of affection.” Grandpa later recounted nostalgically. “The only time it was okay to kiss a lady in public was during the nuptials, and even then everyone under the age of 25 was locked out and the kiss was as quick as a lightening bolt.” The old man went ahead and explained that the only time fondling in public was socially allowed was after warriors had returned home from a tough war. “But these comrades of yours are ever smooching left, right and centre, and it scares the lights out of us old folks! If you must have body contact, then slapping each other across the face should suffice,” Concludes Grandpa.

That’s the problem with my comrades; they take their horny shagathons too far. Nothing ruins a tranquil afternoon stroll around campus more than coming across a couple performing ass-grabbing, thigh-rubbing and tongue gymnastics out in public. They always perambulate with their arms across each others hips; you’d be excused for thinking they’re wrestling.

It is my oft-expressed opinion that campus students are too young to be engaging in such monkey business. But then I understand comrades will always be comrades, I don’t expect them to be nuns and priests. However, since when did liking someone become a license for assaulting other peoples’ eyes?

Your affection should be private; you should not show it to any other living beings. Not even animals. Spare the plants too; they might dry up if they’re forced to witness your ignoble frolics. Get your hands out of each others’ pockets and go get a room. And that room should not be a lecture room, study room or dining room.

Twitter: @JowalJones

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Lukorito Jones

Lukorito Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.

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