HILARIOUS LIES MY COMRADES TELL TO GET LAID

Giving credit where it’s due, I must say my comrades are very creative fellows. However, they all seem to apply this creativity in asinine ways such as innovating habits of cheating in exams and inventing new methods of ingesting marijuana.(Read: They’re higher than Kites; these comrades of mine). Until last week, I thought I had seen it all.

One incident that has been reported in the papers this week left my old man, Grandpa Richard, utterly flabbergasted and flummoxed. The pensioner, who kept shaking his head in stunned incredulity, found it hard to wrap his head around the lies that my comrades tell (and fall for) just so they can get laid. (Read: Of Asinine Fornication and Overpopulation).

There is this boy in an institution of higher learning who had been eyeing a pulchritudinous lass and all he could think of was getting her between the sheets. He conjured every imaginable trick that he could use to taste the forbidden fruit but all his efforts led to naught. Not someone to give up easily though, the comrade went ahead and conjured the most bizarre lie that guaranteed him 100% results.

He approached the girl and claimed to be in possession of infallible intelligence that pointed to a possible terrorist attack by Alshabaab at their college that weekend. With memories of the Garrissa University attack that claimed 148 lives still lingering in our minds, we cannot exactly blame the girl for swallowing the cockamamie hook, line and sinker. (Read: #147NotJustANumber: The Last word on Garissa)

Police say the boy’s trick worked perfectly as the two spent Friday and Saturday nights lodging in the nearby town.

Terrified by thought of her colleagues losing their lives while she could have prevented it, the girl leaked the information to a few comrades who fled the campus, setting in motion a chain of events that involved panicking parents and detectives who finally traced the two students to the lodging. All this because someone wanted to engage some hanky-dory!

One must admit that the story, though ignoble, bears a hilarity equivalent to those Whispers columns of yore. The need to fornicate has driven my bearded comrades to develop a combination of lies that even the Devil himself looks upon with jealousy.

I have been informed of one pathetic fellow who managed to bed a girl because he lied to her that he is the columnist who runs Comrades in Daily Nation’s pullout ZuQka. I kid you not!

When he calls you to his place at odd hours for ‘revision’, it doesn’t take a scientist to discern that the only knowledge you’ll gain from the session is carnal knowledge. Visit his place overnight only if you want to do the Devil’s dance. Girls allergic to commonsense are the ones that fall for the ‘Just the tip’ line. And from the makers of “Let’s a watch a movie” also comes another blockbuster, “I just wanna cuddle.”

As a girl who intends to withhold the cookie until marriage, you need to be more assertive to avoid falling for such chicanery. (Read: 7 Habits of Highly Effective Comrades). Even when he swears upon a stack of holy books (Read: Perhaps Religion is what we Need) that he loves you, it might just turn out to be one more feather in his bag of tricks to engage his horny shagathons with you.

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.