GRANDPA’S GUIDE TO TREATING A LADY


Violence against women and sexual assault are crimes not only punishable by the litigious whip of our law, but also by the crack of Grandpa Richard’s severe cane. Its perpetrators will find their comeuppance both in Kamiti Prison and the fifth and sixth chambers of hell.
For those who were vacationing in Pluto over the last fortnight, I am referring to a recent putrid trend whereby a pack of feral menaces have resorted to stripping women naked for leisure. Upon stumbling on the news, my old man, Grandpa Richard, blew his top and demanded to know if my comrades were behind it.
“No way Grandpa!” I defended my comrades. “The barbarians behind those incidences are actually layabout matatu touts and loafers who didn’t stay in school long enough to learn long division. Fumes from matatus in Nairobi are causing serious environmental degradation, whose effects can be seen in the conductors’ indecorous behaviour.”
Although Grandpa relaxed upon the reassurance, the doctor says his blood pressure is yet to stabilise. In his many decades of existence, the senior citizen has never imagined that men could be so competent in dehumanising the fairer sex.
Grandpa Richard believes university students can pull this country out of its moral limbo and jitterbug down to the road of common decency by learning how to treat ladies. “It is a touchstone of manhood to be respectful, polite and courteous to all women,” Says the charmer who got married to the most beautiful lass of his time.
First, comrades need to learn that you never take off a lady’s clothes lest she asks you to. If her cladding makes you uncomfortable, feel free to look away. Channelling your primitive energy to stripping pulchritudinous girls is damned disgraceful and Grandpa wants it to stop.
Watch your language comrades. Don’t refer to ladies using offensive words. The only b-word you’re allowed to use on her is beautiful. Uncivilised monikers such as katortoise and nguna are also out of question. When describing her, avoid adjectives like “hot” and “sexy” because they portray you as a level three sexual offender.
Show the world that your mama raised you well by not whistling and resorting to cat-calls when seeking a girl’s attention. And when she grants you the honours of spending a minute with her, try your best to keep eye-contact. Do not leer at her chest, even if she possesses breasts the size of savoy cabbages.
Comrade, never ever raise your hand to wallop a woman. If you never got the memo, let me be the one to inform you that the era for braggadocio and chauvinistic chest-thumping is long over.
Instead, embrace the art of chivalry and slowly charm your way into a girls’ heart by providing her an endless supply of compliments, jokes and gifts.
Women are God’s fragile gift to humanity, and thus should be treated with care. We should not make it generally unsafe for daughters of Eve to venture outside their homes for fear of being manhandled, undressed, ogled at, catching stupidity or worse.

@JowalJones

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.