CLIMATE CHANGE? BLAME THE HEAT ON MY COMRADES


Illustration: Joe Ngari, Daily Nation

Illustration: Joe Ngari, Daily Nation

After years of pillaging and plundering Mother Nature with reckless abandon, the heat has finally caught up with humankind—literally.

Worried that we might be one match-stick strike away from burning into crisp, the entire world converged at Paris where our leaders held heated (pardon the pun) discussions to prevent the Earth from frying us all.

We accepted the fact that we must engage a metamorphosis to return us back to our Creator’s thesis, where harmony was abundant and acrimony was vague. 195 countries pledged fealty to an agreement that if implemented, will prevent us from experiencing 2 degrees of global warming. Suffice to say the Paris talks helped us avert hell on earth.

Even in his sunset years, my old man, Grandpa Richard, is burning with optimism in regards to the Paris agreement. Just as it has burned a giant hole in the ozone layer, global warming has also been burning my old man’s conscience for years.

Going by the dry-spell, it sounded comical when he said he wanted to leave a better world for my children. Here is a true example of a man who understands that he didn’t inherit the Earth from his fore-fathers. He merely “borrowed it from my children.”

In his usual fashion of turning up the heat on my comrades, Grandpa claims that we college students are responsible for the rise in global temperatures.

Also shouldering the blame are politicians messing up with the political climate. Grandpa has accused them of raising the political temperatures around the country thus contributing to global warming.

The greybeard has proposed a raft of measures to be undertaken come 2016 and help bring the temperatures down to sanity.

SAVOURING GAINS

My comrades have been savouring the gains from the #MyDressMyChoice campaign, and rightly so. However, wearing clothes that reveal acres of human flesh and cleavages has contributed to rise in temperatures across Kenyan cities, Grandpa Richard says.

Fornication, just like the rising temperatures, is something that gets Grandpa Richard hot under the collar. Come 2016, something ought to be done to curtail pre-marital sex. It does not help us win the fight against global warming if my colleagues are perpetually on heat.

Perennial chaos that cause my comrades to throw stones whenever grass sprouts should also desist. Something that would make my old man happy is if college students cooled off their tempers which are usually hotter than Hell’s Kitchen. Violence is not always the best cause of action in the heat of the moment.

Before you turn the heat on my grandpa for being literal, let it be known that he truly understands that climate change is not a simple topic. He’ll have an easier time explaining how the Eurobond cash was spent than waxing lyrics about rising sea-levels. However, the seniour citizen knows a thing or two about the Green House Effect.

“You see, when your comrades smoke marijuana, they puff out harmful Co2 which traps heat on the earth’s surface. The same happens when they use charcoal to heat up their shisha,” explains the erudite man.

Read: YOUR LIFE AS A FRESHA

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.