BOOZE, TATTOOS AND NIGHT BUNDLES TOP IN COMRADES’ #BUDGET2015


JJThe comrades’ budget for the next financial year was released last week at a rowdy gathering attended by raucous students from Kenya’s different institutions of higher learning. Read out by a slovenly student leader, the budget, which surpassed many people’s expectation by being over 140 characters long, detailed how comrades are going to fritter away their parents’ and government’s money in the next twelve months.

Not surprisingly, beer manufacturers came out as the biggest winners in the financial plan. They are set to pocket a staggering 50% of the total income. Marijuana dealers and shebeens that also specialize in baking weed cookies were allocated 12% of the monies. “We hope to wipe out alcohol consumption in the country by 2016. To do this, we have decided to join hands and drink all the beer in the bars to ensure we clear all stocks by the end of the year,” explained a member of the budgetary committee who cannot be named as she was too drunk to recall her name.

To facilitate the massive drinking plan, the budgetary committee has also set aside cash for asinine house parties which allow all comrades to drink beer in abandon while accidentally contracting STIs. According to the financial records, giant music systems, which are sure to drive out neighbours due to their decibels of insanity, have already been procured.

An allocation in the budget that caters for bodily repairs has been lauded by female comrades all over. Here, 8% of the total budget has been dedicated to purchasing skin-bleaching creams, fake Chinese weaves and artificial hips. This fund will also cater for tattoos and at least 15 body piercings per comrade.

Night internet bundles received a huge 30% boost. “This is to enable comrades to consume gigabytes of prurient adult material unbridled, and also to cushion them from running out of data while posting photos on Instagram that detail their struggles with constipation,” explained the comrades’ Finance Secretary.

311217419979_1An emergency fund has been established to facilitate unexpected abortions.

Asked how they plan to finance their ambitious budget, the Finance Secretary stated that comrades will scrounge mercilessly from their parents by making up imaginary school trips and asking for money to purchase non-existent study materials. “The government should also be prepared to triple our study loans failure to which we will prove to them that we know a thing or two about smashing windshields, cracking skulls and disturbing the peace around the city,” he warned.

Comrades are also expected to raise cash by wagering heavily in online sports betting websites. Assets bought for them by their parents such as gas cylinders and furniture will be disposed off at a tenth of their real value in order to sustain their spending habits.

While many students hailed the budget as revolutionary, the seven comrades in the country who posses common sense criticized it for allocating only 3% to academic materials and zilch towards enhancing religious and spiritual development.

My old man, Grandpa Richard, was unavailable for comment.

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.