BEHOLD, THE FEMALE COMRADE HAS COME OF AGE


Jow

Illustration: Joe Ngari, Daily Nation

A little over a month ago, world leaders met at the UN to deliberate on the new Sustainable Development Goals.

I particularly took a liking to the fifth item on the list­, namely gender equality. When I got the opportunity to chew the rag over dinner with Grandpa Richard about a fortnight ago, I was excited to discuss the issue with him.

Although the old man agreed with most of the provisions in the gender-equity item, he shocked me by saying that the feminist movements, though beneficial, have also wreaked havoc on the morality of modern-day institutions of higher learning.

“Do you recall when, in 1995, the world converged for the Fourth World Conference on Women and wrote the famous Beijing Convention?” Grandpa asked.

There was no way I could remember such a conference, given that I was still in nappies when it happened. Grandpa went ahead and narrated to me how a certain character by the name Wahome Mutahi, aka Whispers Son of the Soil, had warned them about the aftermath of the conference.

“Skirt-wearers will take you to court if you called that familiar hole in the streets a man-hole,” this Whispers guy had cautioned, saying it should now be called a personhole.

HERSTORY NOT HISTORY

“Soon, children will be reading a subject called herstory and not history. At school they will be taught about personslaughter and not manslaughter,” he allegedly prophesied.

“His prophecies have obviously not come true,” I pointed out to my old man. But he insisted that Whispers was alluding to a deeper affliction that has since bloomed in Kenyan campuses.

“Back then, male comrades were engaged in ignoble behaviour that their well-raised female counterparts shunned. At least problems such as chronic drinking, sexual promiscuity, and hooliganism only affected half the population. It is sad that in the push for gender equality, female comrades have joined in these evils too,” laments the old-timer.

“Today it’s not uncommon to find an inebriated lass smelling as though she’s just been soaked in ethanol lying in a ditch. And I hear they are empowering them sexually too, in that the modern lady has no qualms about selecting as many sexual partners as possible, burning more rubber than the Thika superhighway. Campus goons who sowed violence used to be synonymous with boys, but nowadays strikes are even led by the daughters of Eve.

“It seems like decades-long of women’s rights activism has brought about gender equity among your comrades, but certainly not maturity. Their mini-skirts are longer than their morals and their perfumes stronger than their conscience.”

It’s at this point that I deeply differed with my old man. What’s good for the goose is also good for the gander, right? Comrades will always be asinine. If a comrade chooses to imbibe illicit brew while chewing on those miraa twigs and smoking like an old train, does it make it more repulsive just because she’s a lady? Okay, it does but…

“If we don’t apply some brakes here, we will find ourselves raising a generation of wayward androgynous intersexuals and that will spell doom for our nation,” warned Grandpa Richard.

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.