A COMRADES’ PLEBISCITE


referendum

 My erudite old man, Grandpa Richard, is of the opinion that referendums are like diamond rings; you can only afford a few of them in your lifetime. He is quite apprehensive with the way our leaders want to trash the current constitution with alacrity even before the ink used to write it dries up.

However, since everyone is calling for amendments where it suits them, Grandpa has joined the bandwagon and below are a few clauses he wants included in the new law:
1. The Grammar Clause
Come on now. How hard is it to write “Thanks for the add?” It’s only 15 letters for Shakespeare’s sake! But no, it has to be “10x4D+”.
Grandpa is of the opinion that all comrades be subjected to a compulsory English and Kiswahili test before being allowed to use social media.
2. Mandatory Reading Clause
In order to foster a strong reading culture among our youth, each comrade should be compelled by the constitution to read at least 3 newspapers weekly and a book outside their scope of study every semester. This is meant to arrest the anarchy in our curriculum, in that comrades will never read “Shamba la Wanyama” but will instead act it out on a daily basis.
3. Continuous Learning Clause
Grandpa Richard has got no idea what my comrades do to deserve a parole from the pursuit of knowledge. Why would the government award young people a five-month holiday to engage in mindless hooliganism, unbridled fornication and peace endangering acts like blasting their music at deafening sound levels?
4. The “Right to be Ugly” Clause
Grandpa is ever discombobulated as to why the current generation is obsessed with altering their God-given looks. “In our days, we only visited the doctor when we dislocated a leg or suffered from marasmus—not to have our skins bleached and our boobs enlarged,” Laments the old man. He further goes ahead to suggest the formation of a Socialite Regulatory Board that will implement stringent measures to deter comrades from joining the profession.
5. Responsible-Spending Clause.

If you’re an undergraduate and you spend more than Sh. 25,000 of your HELB loan on booze, then you’re a brain-addled nincompoop who deserves a kick in the hind-quarters for squandering tax payers’ money.
Grandpa insists that a little financial desperation will do my comrades more good than harm, and suggests student loans should be reviewed downwards. “This will introduce valuable lessons to university students like holding a part-time job, living within one’s means and paying taxes,” He argues.
6. Controlled Procreation Clause.
Remember the brilliant idea sometimes back where my old man proposed that campus students should all have their tubes tied? In his brilliant strategy to curb over-population, grandpa put it forward that my comrades should only have the tubes untied upon production of a marriage certificate. With a referendum in the cards, now is the opportune time for Kenyans to adapt the stratagem as law.

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Lukorito Jones

Lukorito Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.

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