A COMRADES’ GUIDE TO BECOMING EMPLOYABLE


The problem with my comrades, according to Grandpa Richard, is that very few of them are actually employable. All they seem to be good at is snooze, booze and get tattoos. After holding a comprehensive dialogue with the old man, we’ve come up with some tips for my comrades which if followed to the latter, will see them rising to the top of the crap… Sorry, cream, and make them instantly employable.

 

1. Write a CV

I know some of you might find it hard to write something you’re not duplicating from a ‘mwakenya’, but the first step to becoming employable is to have a CV- preferably your own. Lupita Nyong’o’s CV may seem impressive, but it doesn’t exactly tell the employer about you and why you’re interested in working with them.

Here, grammar is imperative. A CV that has spelling mistakes and includes smiley faces and use of abbreviations like LMFAO is usually frowned upon by potential employers. Take care not to misspell your own name.

Your references should include more than just your Facebook friends. And no, a football referee should not be indicated here. Feel free to use your previous employers, clergy and Jowal Jones in your references.

Last but not least, do not include a request that your potential employer follow you on Twitter.

 

2. Clean up your social media

Nowadays, employers are smart. They usually rake through the Facebook pages of potential employees to judge the content of their characters. If you’re looking to be employable, you’d be wise if you pulled down those ratchet photos from Masaku 7s and updated your religious views from ‘Satanist’ to something less asinine.

 

3. Take off all the hardware.

No respectable employer wants to hire someone with 12 pairs of earrings, a nose, nipple and heaven-knows-what ring, a dog collar and Prince Albert. You are better advised to take these off if you’re looking for a job. After all, you don’t want the security guard at your potential workplace to spend three hours trying to figure out what’s setting off the metal detector hence making you show up late for the interview.

 

4. Change your wardrobe

I know you haven’t owned a shirt in three years, but this is the best time to invest in one with a decent tie to boot. Campus divas, when you’re looking for a job, please avoid dressing as though you’re looking for a mate.

 

5. Cover up those tattoos

There are great careers where it actually helps if you have scores of devilish tattoos. I think it’s mandatory, for example, if you’re a stripper, a marijuana dealer and a degenerate rock star. But aside from these jobs, you’re better off concealing those tattoos.

 

Follow the above tips religiously and before you know it, employers will be jostling each other to hire you.

 

@JowalJones

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.