7 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE COMRADES

nose-ringMy old man, Grandpa Richard, has been heavily criticised by my comrades for allegedly being a sadist. In his defence, Grandpa Richard states that he has indeed scoured my comrades with a fine-toothed comb in an effort to find positivity, but the results yielded were nothing to write home about. He however holds steadfast that one or two effective comrades actually exist, and outlines herein below seven habits of that rare species.

  1. Has ambition

Such a comrade strives for happiness, independence, and more than just a modicum of success. He uses his allowance to invest in bank accounts with compounded interests and buys cheap plots in Olenguruoni as opposed to his mates who invest no further than in the latest edition of Fifa 15, flavoured condoms and shisha.

  1. Keeps off smut

Nowadays, comrades aren’t just satisfied with looking at plain naked women as we all did during biology lessons. They instead crave for stunt pornography complete with acts that go against nature and laced with domestic animals, toys and kitchen appliances. An effective comrade detests the objectification of men, women and farm animals, and would actually browse the internet with his clothes on so as not to pollute his mind.

  1. Loathes Online Sports Betting

An effective comrade will only make one gamble their entire lifetime, and that will be at the altar. They will pay no mind to their mates who keep on wagering their parents’ money on the number of goals that Ronaldo scores, because they aren’t driven by voracious greed and the allure of doubling their money. The idea of frittering their future on pipe dreams and easy money doesn’t appeal to them.

  1. Stops sucking the parental teat after graduation

Nowadays comrades are so much terrified by the notion of working that they’d rather resign to their parent’s house and continue suckling for 27 years more than God had intended. An effective comrade understands that their parents have suffered enough bringing them up and it is cruel for them so stay around longer than required by the Constitution.

  1. Knows how to spell “Success”

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Grandpa Richard will once more lash out at my comrades’ sickening grammar. It is his opinion that many comrades hardly taste success because they insist on spelling it as “Xuksex”. An effective comrade knows their spellings and actually employs vowels and punctuation marks.

  1. Meditates

Though religion has never been conclusively billed to shape one’s character, Grandpa is of the opinion that effective comrades are ever in touch with a supreme being, to whom they take time to communicate with and meditate.

  1. Is non-magnetic

It still escapes Grandpa Richard why comrades would insist on walking about looking like scrap-metal experiments gone wrong. The amounts of ornaments my comrades sport are downright freaky. Effective comrades understand that just because Jesus had nails driven through His person doesn’t mean they have to mark Easter by driving grenade pins through their noses and genitalia.

jowaljones

Jowal Jones is a columnist and correspondent with Kenya's leading newspaper, Daily Nation. He also dabbles in fiction works at times, hoping to be the next Stephen King. Sometimes he takes time out from writing to perfect his deer-dancing and goat-screaming skills.