There is a weird trend slowly gaining ground among campus reprobates that’s giving me the willies. It is a curious blend of self-destruction and asininity; an unexplainable macabre desire to mutilate one’s body by perforating every single orifice. Pray, why would one choose to add 18 extra holes onto their heads?
My old man Grandpa Richard can tolerate ear piercings on a girl’s earlobes, but anything more than that is, in his opinion, stupid. The problem with my comrades is that they will be moving around with a baker’s dozen pieces of jewelry on their faces, looking like rejected prototypes from a scrap metal yard.
These miscreants have punched their foreheads, pierced their dimples, punctured their lips, jammed a screw-driver through their tongues and inserted a ring that resembles a grenade pin inside their noses. The mutilation, which happens across both genders, does not end there. Comrades have also adorned themselves with nipple rings, belly button studs and vile genital piercings. It’s disgraceful, disgusting, and a crime against nature!
“During my time we dug holes in farms; not on our bodies. We planted cassava on the holes we made; not an entire assortment of hoops, bolts, forks and nuts,” Narrates Grandpa Richard.
In their usual fashion, my comrades claim they are driven by the desire to be unique and ‘express themselves’. Being unique is one thing, but making yourself creepy is another. Besides, you probably saw that on five other comrades and went like, “OMG! Let me try that too. I think I’ll be cool and different!” If you really wanted to be different from your comrades, you’d toss aside that loop on your nipple and read a newspaper every day.
I know beauty lies in the eyes of the be-holder, but there’s not enough beer in the world to convince me that someone with a hook meant for a shower curtain on their eyebrows is pretty. They try so hard to resemble an acclaimed rock-star, only to end up looking like reflector scarecrows. If their intentions are to attract attention from the opposite sex, they soon realize that the only things they can attract are ferrous magnets.
Grandpa Richard hit the nail on the head (pun purely unintentional) when he theorized that common-sense pours out of youngsters’ heads through the holes drilled on them. He then suggests that instead of comrades being allowed to cause security panics by setting off metal detectors unnecessarily, they should all be rounded up, their rings be smelted into jembes, and set out to work on shambas.
Believe you me, when you grow older, you won’t look so dignified with those piercings. The imagery of Grandpa Richard with a pierced nose, brow and lips is the most disconcerting.
And if you just must perforate your body, will you please keep it decent? The other day a comrade boasted on Twitter that he had just acquired a Prince Albert. I didn’t know what a Prince Albert was, so I Googled it. Shock on me! I wish I had never found out!
Follow Jowal on twitter: @JowalJonesNone found.